Allison's Private Journal

April 1, 2003
9:57PM

Dear Journal,

I broke up w/ Zach today… April Fools! hehe I couldn’t resist. No I really, really like him, he’s a keeper. I think he’s going to ask me to the semi tomorrow. Woohoo! I don’t even care if he’s short, I can deal w/ it. I guess he told Vic yesterday he wants to like marry me! lol, flattered but um, we’ve only been going out for 5 days. He told San that he really wants to ask me to the semi, but he’s afraid I’ll say no. Like because he’s too short. I felt so bad, I would definitely say yes to him! Wow softball was hilarious today. Me, Maddie, Nina, + San had a huge sex discussion for like an hour. I can’t even remember how the 1/2 serious, 1/2 wicked funny convo started, but I do remember walking over after I’d gone to get something + Mad’s like “well I think butt would hurt more” hahaha ~ @ the mention of John P. “holy chodeness!”~NC “More cushion for the pushin” ~MG “Big P! Big P! ~SM (w/ thrusts) lol

—–

This is what APJ is all about. Real talk–how fucked up is it that, at 13 years old, my “boyfriend” isn’t even sure I’ll accept his proposal to go to our semi-formal together? What does this mean? At almost 27, I can tell you exactly what it means: it means that at the start of my sexual maturation, it was already ingrained in me that just having a “boyfriend”, someone cute and cool who likes you enough to be tied down to just you for however long you’re together, was more important than the actual content of a relationship. I definitely was not alone in this, and that is fucking terrifying.

I’m old as shit now, and that means my friends, colleagues and distant Facebook acquaintances are doing things that other young adults do, like having babies, getting married, recovering from drug addictions and achieving other questionable milestones. This makes me uneasy in a way I struggle to describe. On one hand, I’m like “wtf am I doing with my life if all this shit is going on around me?” and on the other hand, I’m like, “wtf are you doing??? you met this person FIVE MONTHS AGO and you’re announcing your pregnancy on Facebook! WITH HIS LAST NAME!!! WHAT’S HAPPENING AAAGGHH I’M SCARED HELP”. My confusion about what’s right and wrong or good and bad here is confusing in itself. I’m freaked out that people all around me are more about doing what they think is good in life rather than what’s actually good in life, and the only reason they have certain ideas about the “right” or “best” way to do things is because they never fucking questioned it. It freaks me out even more that maybe my questioning it, making decisions based on my own opinions, preferences, etc., is actually the wrong way to approach life. That last anxiety is a bit extreme though–I’m pretty sure, despite my doubts, I’m doing it right, and I can only hope my peers are going through life doing the same.

My struggle with gauging personal success at almost 27 is that I don’t feel I’m doing much. All I’m doing is working a job I like that has very little to do with my academic merits and maintaining a pretty solid day-to-day routine. I’m meeting people. I’ve picked up some hobbies. I’ve developed a loving and supportive relationship with a person I wholeheartedly see as my equal. I don’t feel my life is extraordinary. Still, I am confident in the consistency of the upward trajectory I’ve maintained over the past 2+ years. My greatest accomplishment yet has been sticking to a healthy lifestyle, by my terms, since the spring of 2014. I’m happy with all of these things, but I’m hungry for more.

Dave and I joined a crossfit gym in December, and the mentality encouraged with this type of fitness is one I’ve found comfort in regarding my life’s path. The point is to compete against yourself, to constantly improve, every day you work out. Yes, once you reach a certain level of fitness you can begin to compete with other athletes, but the first goal is to be your best self by committing to consistent practice. Many crossfitters stay at this point forever, and it is a positive place to be. If you do reach a level where you can be competitive, you may choose to compete with others, and this can be a necessity for those who want to continue to grow but have surpassed a certain level of ability. At almost 27, I feel confident that I am my best self today–at least in comparison to myself at any previous stage–and I want to keep improving. The difference now is that it’s time to scope out the competition, and while you’ve got to remain “within yourself” to prevent burning out, I’m making a conscious decision to take note of my peers’ successes in order to manage my own goals. Years ago, I couldn’t take this. I felt so far from happiness that seeing my classmates successes was unbearable. Now I need to use the achievers’ achievements to propel my own passions. The only negative side effect is a gut-wrenching reality, now that I am fully out of a hole I’d been trapped in years ago, that I’ve achieved something others haven’t; and I’ve only made it to the starting line.

Maybe I’m too competitive, or my views of reality are skewed. Maybe it’s true that money doesn’t matter, and, in fact, pursuing financial gains leads to greater pain. Still, I need to talk about expectations. I need to say that I’m scared for others who had similar formative experiences as I did who are at risk of personal failure by failing to realize it. We need to question our beginnings to be sure of where we’re headed, and I don’t feel confident that everyone is doing this.

Still, I see a lot of people in their 20s and 30s making massive positive changes. These are people to talk to–people who can help you discover your own breakable limits. While there are so many adjustments one might make to reach his or her best self, I relate to major weight loss as one type of critical change. Anyone who goes from overweight to healthy as an adult has made incredible strides in self development. If you haven’t experienced this yourself, just imagine learning that the way you go about life every single day is slowly killing you/putting a huge handicap on your life on every level, then making the decision to change basic actions that permeate 80-95% of your day, every day, for the rest of your life. You can never go back to your normal way of functioning. It sounds easier said than done, but how many of us can give up rituals that define our existence? Having not baked cookies in over one year, I can tell you that making foundational changes as an adult is one of the most emotional and tastebud-challenging experiences you can have. That being said, every tear you shed in the process prevents a hundred more in your future.

I can’t be the only one who’s hard on myself about where I’m at, right? Whether it’s in our careers, our love lives, or Magic the Gathering expertise, whatever you give the most shits about, we’ve got to go easy on ourselves. If you always want more, I get it, it’s really fucking hard to chill. There is solace in knowing you’re doing your best, and the most effective way to ease up on yourself is by absolutely attacking whatever the most efficient next step is. If you don’t know where to start, find someone who can show you your real self. Call that no-bullshit friend up right now and ask her why you’re spinning your wheels. For example…

Ali: *Calls Jena Cisco*
Jena: Hey girl! What’s up? Are you okay?
Ali: Hey! Yeah, I’m good. Listen, I am really happy at work, Dave and I are great, I’ve been working out regularly and I feel good… but something’s missing. I just can’t figure it out.
Jena: Sounds like you’re busy. Are you still writing?
Ali: Well not really. I just don’t have any time!
Jena: You share a lot of shit on Facebook. How much time do you spend on Reddit every day?
Ali: Ummmm, I don’t know, not that much.
Jena: You made eight posts with commentary yesterday between 8 and 11PM.
Ali: I did?
Jena: Yup.
Ali: Oh.
*Pause*
Jena: I’ll text you later this week.
Ali: K bye.*

…and that is how you take first step out of stagnation if you’re too caught up in life to do it alone.

*This conversation is completely made up but does represent a Real Talk consultancy session with my dear friend and college roommate, Jena Cisco. In honor of her appearance on this blog, please enjoy a listening of “Ayo Technology” by 50 Cent and Justin Timberlake.