9:44 PM
February 1, 2003
Dear Journal,
Today I woke up w/ a fever and found out that I have a sinus infection later. I didn’t play in my bball or sball games. W/e, I have to tell you about yesterday. I had my Thayer interview and I think I have a huge chance of getting excepted! Mom told me what the lady who interviewed me said to her and Dad ater and it went so well. My guidance counselor wrote that I was in the top 1% in my class! She also said that I was one of the most put together, mature kids that she’s seen in her whole career. OMG. Then I guess the lady asked Mom if we were applying to Marrion (or Milton, I don’t know) and she said we hadn’t yet. She was like don’t, we don’t want to lose her. OMG again, I am so excited!!! Tomorrow I’m going to see Annie w/ Mom + Karen + Kelsey. Whoopie!
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The more I revisit this time in my life, the more I understand why I have increasing anxiety about being accepted at new jobs, by new acquaintances and in new surroundings. For the greater part of my life, I was not just taken in but had to be welcomed and won over to grace various institutions with my presence (or at least this is what I was made to believe). The Thayer example is perfect: I interview at the only prep school my family has considered for my high school education, and they tell us straight that they want my brains, athletic ability and full potential there without a doubt. Looking back, I realize I could not have been the only eighth grader considered outside of the existing Thayer community with such vigor (half of my class was made up of Thayer middle school graduates), and I know that if ten or twenty of my peers at my public middle school had also applied I would have had much tougher competition. What I had experienced was being accepted by being totally unique to the place I was trying to get to, and I have continued to strive for such credentials in the years following. Being different is the biggest advantage anyone can have when it comes to success, or so I’ve learned.
The challenge I’ve been trying to tackle for almost two years is not quite how to make myself unique again (because let’s be honest, I’m a rainbow-pooping unicorn) but figuring out who I want to convince of my unworldly individuality. Now I’ve accepted, with a stressed out but honest heart, that the people I’m going to be selling myself to are book lovers, blog readers, former fat kids, Judd Apatow/Lena Dunham (sort of) fans, and most importantly the people with money who will have to believe in me fully to make them even more money than they are willing to put in to get me off the ground. Yeah, it’s nerve-wracking and often draining. Honestly though, it’s worth it. I’ve already told myself if I have to work in restaurants until the day I die in order to give myself a chance at becoming a professional entertainment writer I will. I don’t care. I’ve had two office jobs and one almost-office job in the past two years, and they do not sit well with me. Yuck. No offense, 9-5 workers, but you can take your financial stability. I’ll keep my freedom.
This is kind of a shitty post (no pun intended), but it’s a post nonetheless, and that means progress for APJ. I really just want to get to the story of Soulmate Tom as fast as possible. It’s coming. Just two more days peeps, and you will be met with an exceptionally long, heartbreaking Little Allison tale that started the solidification of my mindset towards not only relationships but who I am and what life is all about. It’s sort of amazing. So tune in over the next few days, and don’t forget to bring tissues. Oh yeah, you might also have an unbearable urge to cue up Dashboard Confessional’s The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most. You’ve been warned.
Allison's Private Journal 