Allison's Private Journal

10:10 PM
January 17, 2003

Dear Journal,

today we lost against Somerset but w/e it wasn’t a huge deal. I really need to just have a whole day where I can chill out by myself and not worry about anything else I have going on. Just to tell you 1 of the reasons why, I’ll explain my homework situation for Sunday: Thayer essay finish, mail in all applications, 2 (or 3) math papers finish, final draft of reading essay, vocab. words, make up a new law for SS, Martin LK essay for SS, and maybe even more! ugh.

Me + Eve wanna go see a movie on Monday. I prob. can, but only if all that homework is done, my room’s picked up, and my laundry’s done. Ya, I’m def not going anywhere this weekend. Alrighty, I am so tired so I gotta go to bed. Got Bball pictures + a game in the AM. hehe

—

Is it concerning that a 13-year-old is fully aware that she needs to chill the fuck out because she’s got too much on her plate? It certainly is to me as an adult, knowing that I carry a constant feeling of having too much to do every day regardless of my actual workload. This may be due to the transition from busy middle schooler to busy prep school student to college kid with too much free time to young graduate with way too much flexibility at hand. If you can believe it, a few months ago I was seriously considering joining the military because I felt I wasn’t living up to my purpose in life at 23, going from sales jobs to a very part-time bartending gig to a final seemingly perfect job as a content writer at an established marketing business in Boston. I realized I still needed to find myself. When I came to accept that this last occupation was draining the life out of me with its 4,000 word per day requirements (not this kind of writing–I’m talking serious research paper-type shit), not to mention supplying me with just enough income to pay for my commute, student loan bills, car insurance, and nutritional essentials, I thought I was having a mental breakdown realizing if I want to live on my own in the next two years, I had to find another job.

My parents suggested the key to happiness was for me to work a second job at night and on the weekends. Come to find, no one wants new servers or bartenders who are only available at these prime times. I felt my only choice for happiness was accepting what I’d set out to do just under a year before: quit the low-paying job to bust my ass bartending or slinging delicious apps that will burn the fuck out of my precious fingertips, use my free time to work out like a motherfucker and, most importantly, focus on becoming a paid entertainment writer. I was so confused about how to get where I need to be in life after graduation, and although this has turned out to be a good thing like most of my moments of not having a clue what to do, it brought me through times when I was sure blazing a path towards commercial success in writing was the thing to do, then the next day I thought I wanted to become a teacher and should ditch the blog for its inappropriate content, then that this work was meaningless in the world today and I should use my brain and writing skills to liberate the oppressed through the legal system. And you know where my head is at now? Finally, finally, I truly don’t give a fuck.

I know that writing is my gift, I know that it is my best chance at making more money and experiencing more happiness than any typical life path is going to get me, and I know that Allison’s Private Journal can help people probably more than I know through whatever medium its meant to be pushed out. I want to do something that helps young women on their journey through self-discovery. I want to prompt them to see what mistakes they made in the past or habits that have followed them through the years so that they can be adjusted or simply recognized in order to help them grow as adults. I want to share what I feel is a way for people to be entertained and motivated through happiness to do good things for themselves. Today, reading this entry from just about ten years ago, I realize with a lighter heart that being a head case has been a lifelong habit of mine. It may not have affected me negatively back then–in fact, being such a perfectionist and high achiever back in the day led me to incredible academic opportunities–but overanalyzing and feeling like there is always something more to be done is a part of my emotional makeup. Like an addiction, I can’t imagine not having to work through this constant buzz in my head that there’s just so much to do, but I will, every day, because it’s in my conscious thoughts and I won’t be forgetting that any time soon.

Writing this reminds me of a time I went to a WeightWatchers meeting, and the woman who spoke said she joined and left the program five times before her sixth time actually stuck and she was able to lose 70 pounds. This blog is a lot like that, on many levels–it helps me stay balanced emotionally (which helps me keep steady on the physical plane) and posting consistently is something that should help me develop as a writer professionally; it also helps Jena Cisco and everyone else who finds comfort in Little Allison’s accidental hilarity stay entertained and, hopefully, stay in touch with their Little Jenas and Little Everyone Elses. Now it’s time to go to the gym for the third day in a row, and, unbelievably, with my mom. The times, they are a changing, my friends. Exploits of Little A’s 8th grade spring will continue tomorrow. Until then, have a zen-filled, peace-loving, hangover-getting-over Sunday, you drunken Irish assholes.