Allison's Private Journal

6:16PM
January 11,2003

Dear Journal,

Just felt like writing now cuz I’m home alone and just w/e… I might go skating w/ Jess next weekend and if I’m sleeping over her house, well, not to get my hopes up or anything, I just really want to see Jon. I miss him so bad. I finished –

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I always find whenever I pick this blog back up, the entry waiting for me is right in line with my present situation. Here I am on a Saturday night, writing this blog post because I’m home alone and just w/e… My brother and a few of his friends have been here at the new house, in the space that is now mostly mine, for several hours. I’ve spent the day post-gym (YES!) mulling over a major relationship conundrum I’ve been trying to work through for the past several weeks (boo.) and trying to socialize but also do my own thing while the house is infiltrated with 21-year-old boys (fail – I hid in my room for 78% of the time). I hate these days when I have nothing to do but whatever I want and my space seems to be overrun by other people. I usually get so overwhelmed alone it doesn’t matter, but at least in that state I can cruise Facebook for hours without being extremely creepy.

The past many months have brought a great deal of change to the life of adult Ali: I’ve moved into my mom’s fiance’s home with the two of them, their three dogs and the bird I grew to tolerate. Unfortunately the cat, Eleanor, that my mom brought home to me over two years ago was given to a no-kill shelter because she’d found a penchant for pissing all over cloth furniture and the leather couch that is now in my living room-ish area. It still smells of her, that sweet kitten. I’ve also taken on an adult relationship that has spanned over six months (WOW!) and has been interesting and exciting in many ways, i.e. slightly high maintenance. I won’t go into details about the current situation that has brought me to tears and excessive fits of anxiety for the past two weeks, but I will say that over the past several moons I have had a chance to evaluate the effects of Little Allison’s emotional foundation on my present stage in relationship exploration.

For so long, Little Allison fawned over young men who never seemed to return her love in the same way. In fact, the way they returned it was far, far away from the magnitude at which she exuded romantical feelings for them, if love was returned at all. Little Allison became so obsessed with the image of a boy rather than what he had to offer her that she became locked into a potentially life-long habit of falling for dudes with a fantastic resume and absolutely no interest in dating her. I have experienced only two guys in my life who have gushed with love for me over an extended period of time, and I have been fortunate enough for one of them to have come to me just recently. The only problem with being loved is that feeling such overpowering emotions can blind you from a whole lot of negatives that may be present in a relationship, and that’s just not cool, but it’s hard to see right off the bat, especially for the woman formerly known as Little Allison.

Now, relationship problems can be worked out, but to what extent? We’ll just say this recent issue has emerged from individual insecurities that have been bubbling for some time, and both parties have firmly planted their feet as to where they stand, resulting in a big, fat, emotional rut. How far do you go to work with the other person when you love each other but just can’t seem to see eye to eye, and, according to both of you stubborn assholes, probably never will? When is it time to scream “abandon ship!” in a relationship that is based on some real, heavy love? I’m talking really real love, the kind of love that’s been developed through perfectly compatible religious interests, flawed but rewarding holiday party experiences, constantly beautiful moments of intimacy in all senses of the word, and a mutual obsession with the television series Lost. The Little Allison inside is happy to work through relationship problems for the rest of her life, but what she never learned (because she never had the chance) is that a balance must be developed between time with your lover and time with your friends and family, no matter how perfect said dude is and how shitty, annoying or immature the rest of the people in your life seem.

Adult Allison has learned that just like working through relationship problems with your boyfriend, you’ve got to push through ups and downs with all the rest of the gang to the same degree if you want to avoid a social disaster. Loving with all your heart is the key to happiness, all you former chubsters. That includes, on top of your romantical interests, moms, dads, siblings, grandparents, great aunts, your awesome mail carrier, your eight dogs, that turtle you feed every three days, your stuffed animal Bubby… anyways, you understand what I’m getting at. Good love shared with everyone you care about is essential to a happy self, so don’t forget the arguably most important person to love: pretty little you.

I set out on this journey tonight ready to channel my inner-but-also-currently-apparent fat kid with a Dairy Queen Blizzard, calming breathing techniques, and the hope that I can cross a threshold few are able to in love over the next few days. If not, your girl will be declaring “single” on your Facebook news feeds complete with an updated selfie and optimistic quote status. I’m hoping for the former, but what will be will be. Peace out, cub scouts. The tale of Soulmate Tom is coming in just four posts…