Allison's Private Journal

Dear Journal,

OMG Mike is going out w/ Vickie! (ps–on the bus (bball) we kept making eye contact and it was kinda weird (?))  um, not right, weird feelings here… ugh I’m so, I dunno, jealous?  I really shouldn’t be since we’re like best friends but still, oh god.  I think I might be having mixed feelings about him.  I don’t think they were even friends before!!!  That just pisses me off SO BAD!  UGH I COULD SCREAM!  I LOVE VIC, REALLY, BUT SHE’S A LIER AND A PLAYER AND WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY IS SHE DOESN’T DESERVE A NICE GUY LIKE HIM.  We’ll see, but I’m betting that lasts a max of 5 days, maybe six.  hehe.  I just don’t want her to like, hurt him because she’s too desperate.  She’s prob only going out w/ him because she always has to have a bf.  K well on my romantic agenda (what a joke LOL) Jess may be having me sleep over soon!  (mmm… Jon! t or d maybe?) ;) wink! smooches :*

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Tell us how you really feel, Little A!  Another classic moment of anguish in my life.  There’s nothing worse than the day your crushable male BFF is revealed to be dating someone, especially when that someone is not personally approved of.  Let’s face it, in this case there isn’t anyone I’d approve of but myself.  I might bite the bullet and give the thumbs up to well-respected close friend or an absolute sweetheart smokeshow, but otherwise I’m ready to kill a bitch.  No one gets snuggle status with my imaginary boyfriend and gets away unscathed.

I’m such a fucking hypocrite about this shit too.  If you’ve read before or you know me at all, you know about my future husbands.  Every nice guy in my life I haven’t slept with is one of them.  I used to be dead-ass serious about these people.  My father’s college roommate’s son had it the worst; I actually believed from the age of eight to maybe three years ago, if that, we were secretly in love and meant to be together.  We saw their family once a year, twice if I was lucky.  Without saying the words or touching him inappropriately I made my intentions known, and he in similar fashion made it clear that our relationship would be maintained by our families, not the two of us.  It wasn’t the happiest imaginary relationship to end, but I accepted it and it gave me a total reboot in mentality.  In a day, I just stopped thinking about all the guys I loved for the pure idea of them.  I started focusing on the real shit, the guys I spent time with, who reached out to me on their own, who made it happen because being with me was a priority.  This was huge for my sanity.

When I started not to give a damn I started living in the real world.  Most of the guys I’d adored just because they were pretty cool dudes stayed cool, but they didn’t stay in my everyday thoughts.  The ones who stayed there were the ones who worked for it.  Out of my future husbands, there weren’t many who got there.  Some did, but even those thoughts dwindled in their absence.

One of the ones who made it past my great revelation is the subject of my hypocrisy.  When I broke my habit of being in la la land about guys I had no relationship with, I was free!  I went on a tear with guys I was meeting and forgot about the ones I’d known.  It was awesome.  And it turned out I got exactly what I wanted–this guy, no matter where we were and what we were up to, made sure on his own we stayed in touch and saw each other when we could.  There wasn’t any funny stuff, most of the time, but it was more than platonic.  Anyways, we both did our thing in college.  He never had a girlfriend.  I wasn’t a relationship queen, but I had a couple of serious flings and I was never shy about telling him.  I loved it.  So the second he told me about a girl at school who was “the closest thing to a girlfriend he’d ever had,” I almost lost my shit.  Closest thing to a girlfriend he’d ever had??  What the fuck???  That was MY  title!!!  I’m the long-term imaginary-but-actually-kind-of-real-in-an-unspoken-hook-up-once-every-two-years girlfriend!!!  BITCH.  She was lucky she was living in South America when I heard that shit.

So I was jealous.  I still am.  Fuck it, it’s no secret now.  I don’t know if I can call this a taste of my own medicine, but from past reactions to the mention of boyfriends I’m gonna venture that I can.  I deserved it.  This game of life is a bitter one though, and at almost-23 I’m a certified professional.  Game.  On.  So here comes my next lesson in life that blogging about your insanity won’t get you what you want, but you know what?  I’m not mad about it.  If any relationship I ever write about ends up turning into something of time-tested substance I will be SHOCKED.  I promise, real future husband/boyfriend I don’t break up with during the running of this blog, I will never write about our loving relationship once we’re in full-blown monogamy mode.  Future men who act like idiots… I hope you have a great sense of humor or zero knowledge of this blog.