Allison's Private Journal

Dear Journal,

Happy belated Halloween!  I’d tell you about last night but there’s more important stuff.

Okay, the first thing is someth what happened in reading.  K I gotta go back–a few weeks ago I read an article in cosmo girl about istening to the voi your concience.  Its when you get a feeling you should do some-thing, like call your friend out of the blue.  Well, I had a feeling I should bring my red mechanical pencil to school (reds Craigs fav. color) so I did.  Well, today he was looking at it and thought it was like the coolest thing!  w/e, so I asked if he’d want it and he said he’d take it if I gave it to him, so I did.  It was different, but we had this weird connection.  Then totally out of the blue, when I was reading my story he was like, “You do really look like your mom.”  So obv I guess he was looking at me pretty closely–score!–lol.  I asked if that was a good thing + he said ya.  I felt so special.

Mad wrote me a note that said Mike + Craig were talking about how she only goes out w/ people to do stuff.  Craig told me Mike said something worse but he wouldn’t tell what.

Okay, I’m very tired so I gotta go to bed now.  Oh ya, starting tomorrow, I’m not gonna be a blonde anymore!  I’m going back to the original color.  Yay, I hope people like it!  Especially Craig ;).  KK can’t wait to obsess over him tomorrow.  jk.  Night Night!

—–

Ten plus years later, this Craig situation perplexes me.  The mechanical pencil exchange is like a perfect analogy for sex.  Let us dissect.

“I had a feeling I should bring my red mechanical pencil to school (reds Craig’s fav. color) so I did.” = I had a feeling I should wear my new red boob shirt out because this guy I like loves red and boobs (obvi), so I did.

“today he was looking at it and thought it was like the coolest thing!” = Of course he couldn’t stop staring because the red/tits-out combo was drool worthy.  He told me I looked great… three times before I’d downed my first drink.

“I asked if he’d want it, and he said he’d take it if I gave it to him, so I did.” = HOLD UP.

Little Allison, how you’ve complicated my young adult life.  If only you’d learned the lesson of the red mechanical pencil.  First things first–when it comes to intuition, having to ask this boy if he’d want my awesome red mechanical pencil is unnecessary.  Duh.  You just said he was looking at it and thought it was “the coolest thing”!!!  No shit he wanted that pencil, but that pencil is YOURS Little Allison!  Don’t just hand it off because someone you have a raging crush on likes it!  UGGHHHHH.  Well, better late than never.

It could have stopped there.  I could have become a cock-tease professional in training at that very moment.  “Do you want it?”  “I mean… I’d take it if you gave it to me…”  “Hmm… well, it’s mine. Sorry! :) ;) :P”  Boom, bam, done.  But I couldn’t do it then–I didn’t want to–and it’s a struggle now.  I am the giver of givers.  I fucking love giving shit away.  I’ve worked for free, I put out writing with no financial return, and we’ll just say I’ve had my fair share of time spent with undeserving men.  The thing is I really wouldn’t change that.  Yes, there are certain things you have to hold back if you want to achieve goals (sex if you want a relationship, work commitments for fair compensation, etc.), but there are certain things in life where it’s just better to not give a shit.  I am a believer in putting forth your gifts just to be enjoyed; those who receive it react, and while you put it out there you get human reaction right back–in response to your actions, or art, or whatever.  When you’re doing something you love, it doesn’t matter whether people react positively or negatively.  Having any sort of reaction is amazing.  When we do, we generate emotion, and that’s the shit.

That was a much more philosophical rant than I expected to go on this morning, but I hope, as always, at least one reader takes it as inspiration to go show the world what awesomeness they have to offer.  If that person is you, just have a giggle for me that this all came from a freaking red mechanical pencil exchange/sexual analogy moment in Ali Pickering’s eighth-grade life.  Maybe my conscience will tell me I made a difference.  And ladies, just on a final note, don’t give away what that dude you like wants most.  Whatever it is, that is a non-negotiable exchange.  Know what it’s worth and you damn well better hold out for the highest bid.  That’s all I got.  Little Allison’s almost-first-kiss coming up next, and sooner than I can even handle, the epic tale of Tom.  Get ready.  There’s a polaroid.