Dear Journal,
I didn’t go over Jess’s (boo hoo) and we didn’t even go to the science museum! This is the crappiest weekend ever. OMG I can’t stop thinking about Jon. Its safe to say we’re not together YET–but its gonna happen I’m almost positive. Jess said he asked how far I’d go with him if we went out. haha. I’d def. go to 1st, maybe 2nd if I was really into it. No further than that. I wouldn’t be surprised if he asked me to give him head if we’d only been going out for a few weeks but that totally wouldn’t be happening. I’ve said a million times, its oral SEX, that means lose your virginity, might as well just go all the way. I’m gonna wait. I want to until @ least college so I can live out of my parents house, ya know? The only thing is if I go out w/ someone (hey maybe Jon?) for a few years in h.s. Then I’d have to rethink my plans a little hehe. I hope Jon or Jess calls me today, I’m so bored. K well maybe write again tonight–1:50 p.m.
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AH. AHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA. Oh God…. wow. I just cried a little. I was so cute in eighth grade. Clearly this was before my great talk with an elder lifeguard during one of my summers of work.
The summer before my senior year in high school was the third summer I worked at the Middleboro town pool. There was a group of guys five years older than me, one of which told me when I was twenty and he was twenty-five, he was going to marry me; you think that created some hopeful emotions? I digress. Another of the guys was a close family friend (now married, so my future husband list is minus one) and another I would consider the most brotherly of all. The brotherly fellow, Brian, and I had a long chat one day about sex. This became a regular pool topic by the time I was entering high school, but it was rare for a girl-guy pair to chat it up without sexual tension or insinuation. This talk was pure as the people involved–I was one step below a silver ring thinger, and he was a good as they come. Brian had been in college for two, maybe three years. I’m not sure how we got on the subject, but I was having a moment of confusion. Some of my friends had lost their virginity long before and I’d never even been felt up. It wasn’t like there was no opportunity; I was just a massive prude.
When the subject of losing the v-card came up, Brian had just one point to make. He was clear that it was a simple formula. Whatever I said to inspire this piece of advice, Brian took it by looking out across the pool, breathing in easily, and relaxing his shoulders as he continued to look forward. Maybe somehow he knew the importance of his coming statement, because it literally shaped the commencement of my sex life. “This is all I can tell you,” he said. “Be in love, but do it before college.”
That was all I needed. I don’t know if I’ve ever realized, before writing this today, how important it’s been for me to have trustworthy older males in my life. Like, seriously trustworthy, treat-me-like-a-sister dudes. It’s a special bond you make in these kinds of relationships. On one end, you’ve got me void of limits on topics of conversation because a) I have no filter and b) I know I can engage guys in what I want to talk about. Guys talk about everything. Girls tend to get embarrassed; I only realized in the past year that a lot of girls have never (never!) talked about their sex lives–with another girl, a guy, their parents, a random person online, whatever floats your boat. That shit was shocking to me. I talked about my sex life before I had one, with anyone. I didn’t give a fuck. I wasn’t embarrassed because I think I’m totally normal (come to find I’m a nympho, woops) and I discovered very quickly people LOVE to talk about it, they just rarely get prodded and they aren’t ones to initiate that kind of talk. Well, here I am. I’m the girl who will get you to talk about your foot fetish, how much you love whacking off, every detail of every hookup you’ve had in the past three years, whatever. I’ll get you to talk, and it’s not because I grill people. It’s because I engage.
So Brian was one of the many boys/men who have come into my life and hung around as trusted confidants. My life wouldn’t be the same without them. Being a bold chick creates a fascinating reality. It really does, if anything because of the relationships it ensures with men. There are a lot of guys who might not want to go after someone who’s in your face as they are, but there are a TON who want to be your best friend. We are the inside scoop to the mind of women, and it’s a vicious cycle because they are all the same. The more guys we get to open up to us, as we open up to them, the better we know all males. It’s not always easy knowing what the fuck’s up. We miss out on a lot of great opportunities for sex, dates, having babies by accident, etc. But it’s powerful, and women that can harness that run the world. I’d rather have this than a thousand googly-eyed dates in a year. Welcome to the life of a modern feminist.
Allison's Private Journal 