Allison's Private Journal

Dear Journal,

Friday was awesome!  Craig didn’t go to Factory of Terror but he came to watch the movie after.  So fun.  Well, in FOT I was like all alone in the front cuz people were pushing me!  Ugh I wish Craig went, he would’ve walked w/ me even if he was scared stiff lol.  It was 10x scarier than Sunday.  Maddie and Mike were together the whole time.  K, we went in this 15 man van and then we went through the woods to Craigs.  OMG it was scary.  So then we get to the house and everyone’s down cellar.  It was Mad + Mike on the smaller couch and Craig, me, Katy, and Chrissy + Katy on the big one.  Everyone was too cramped so Craig moved down to the floor way away from me, followed by Katelyn.  This was a temporary burst of my bubble.  The movie was Jason X (swear to God, gayest movie ever imagined)

(–> page 2) and I wasn’t scared at all.  Craig is not good w/ horror flicks (hehe) so he was kinda freaked.  We kept talking back and forth and I was saying how it was just dumb etc., and we started talking about the journal thing for reading (What would u do if it was your last day on earth?  answer: Not school appropriate – IJ [inside joke]).  I sit right across from him now!  Yay!  + Ash + Nicole H.  So then a little into the movie he moves back right in front of me, like just to my left so my left leg is touching his right arm.  He was like that for a while.  The whole time Mad + M are like touching each others legs (Mad is like touching his balls!  PDAS!!!)  oh man I was uncomfortable.  Me + C were making fun of themto our-selves and just talking w/e and then he’s like, k I’m gonna move up here, so he sits between me and Katlyn!  Then he got up to get something @ one point and when Katy tried to take his seat he like jumped over to sit there.  lol!  I felt special.

(–> page 3)  jeez this is long.  We were getting bored, so we both went to get a game.  We were looking at the old games we played like 8 years ago.  I took out sequence + me + mad tried to teach the boys to play.  It was only us 4.  M + M were too preoccupied I guess cuz they just started fooling around after a couple min, no prob seconds.  hehe.  Craig showed me this card trick.  It was cool and I thought it was cute.  I loved the way he looked @ me.  Oh yeah, I’m over the acting dumb stage lol.  I thought I was cool as a cucumber.  I had the best time w/ everyone.  Me + Mad wanna go play golf w/ Mike + Craig.  It would be so much fun if we did.  I suggested Bunsey’s, but we’ll have to ask Mike where good places are.  K I gotta get sleep–its 11 and I need like 12 houts, only get 8.  Okay I’ll update you on my Craig situation tomorrow.  Nighty Night!

—–

Just last night I got to catch up with my friend Madison for the first time in at least three months.  Over the past year, the two of us have been hiking through the muck of post-grad life, me bouncing from meh job to meh job, she experiencing similar trials at just one company.  We bonded over the idiocies of people who are supposed to be responsible adults, the strength it takes young women to stand their ground in times when change is necessary, and above all the difference in perspective one year can make.  We helped each other know we aren’t doing okay almost a year out of college–we’re doing phenomenally well.

Although most of our conversation revolved around current jobs and future career goals, of course we got some guy-talk in.  She is celebrating a one-year anniversary with her boyfriend in May, so as many of our talks have gone over the years, I supplied to dramatics.  This time though, things were different.  The drama, the worrying, the frustration and anxiety that had six months ago been standard in my relationship recaps was suddenly missing.  Unaware of what a difference this made, I shrugged my shoulders at her relieved response to my state of mind.  “I can’t believe I’m saying this, Al,” she said, pausing.  “But… I think you’re growing up.”  I laughed, but I agreed with her, and in that moment I knew what I’d achieved.

It might sound silly to take “getting over the boyfriend obsession” as a major life accomplishment, but for me it is.  In eighth grade I would harp on every move my crush made.  I saw the “he likes me” moves, I saw the “he likes someone else” moves, and I saw the “he’s just not that into me” moves all because I scrutinized every relationship I had with an attractive male.  Not a lot changed in high school.  By then I had learned the art of the tease, and I got my rocks off by exploiting unrequited crushes.  Still, when it came to the boys I liked, I acted no differently than my eighth grade self.  Every boyfriend was unexpected: one who asked me to our school’s semi-formal at the last minute, another a grade above who showed interest over a summer, and finally, the great first love, a boy who never had a chance–one I met at a Red Sox game at sixteen who lived an hour away from me, north of Boston.  The one that worked was the last, and I am convinced, now more than ever, it was the power of letting go that brought us together.  Our relationship was put at ease for over two years, and at the start of our senior years in high school, when we could be together and we both wanted that relationship, we were together.  There was no question and no convincing.  We made it work because we wanted to and because we could.

When we broke up and I went away to Syracuse, I didn’t think about the relationship in a  “great life achievement” way–I was just happy I’d fallen in love and had sex before college.  As anyone who’s gone away to school knows, college is a place of pure chaos when it comes to male-female interaction.  This no-strings-attached world was foreign to me, and I tiptoed around it for most of my freshman year.  Then I joined a sorority.  Being initiated into AXiD was like being thrown into a giant pool of immorality with my hands and feet tied.  There was no chance of escape.  Somehow though, with the help of outside friends and a pilgrimage to Bonnaroo the summer before my junior year, I did claw my way out of the scene and slowly begin to get my shit together.  Even still, college itself was a monster I was powerless against, and senior year bar life proved almost as dangerous as three semesters of frat hopping.

All the shitty shit college dumped on my romantic mind made me as desperate for love as I was in middle school once I graduated.  Back then I just wanted to feel it for the first time; in college, I needed to feel it again.  But the past year has made me stop.  Life has slapped my hand away from the cookie jar of love and said “Ali Pickering, get away from this cookie jar.  You don’t.  Need.  Another.  Cookie.”

At first it made me mad.  “Why?  Why can’t I have one?  They’re just sitting there waiting to taste really delicious,” I said.

And Life said, “No.  Think about how these cookies make you feel.  Yes they are delicious, but you have had enough.”

Now I was really pissed.  “Are you calling me FAT, Life???”

“Allison,” Life said, “sometimes we have to hear the painful truth to see the light of reality.”  Motherfucker.

Life was nice about it though.  “I know you love those cookies, Ali, but lay off them for just a little while.  If you don’t touch the cookie jar long enough, you’ll forget it’s even there.”

“But Life,” I said, “I don’t want to forget about love!  I love to love!”

Life looked at me like I should know better by now. “Sometimes it’s good to forget about the cookie jar.  That way, then next time you reach for it, you’ll really want that cookie.  You know what will probably happen?  Someday, long after you’ve forgotten about the cookie jar and focused on more important things, someone is going to reach in there themselves and get a delicious cookie for you.  You won’t even have to lift a pinky.”

I smiled.  “You’re really smart, Life.”

“Well,” Life said, smiling back at me, “someone’s gotta help you dumbass romantics.”