Dear Journal,
A lot of things are going on this summer. Here’s just some of the things I’m dealing w/: I hate CIT, the 12A’s just lost in the states yesterday to place 2nd, I think I’m in love with Troy M., my mom recently told me she is starting counseling soon, I’m a little worried about my parents’ marriage, Odie has decided to run away for a day, Steve D. obviously has a huge crush on me, I’m in a giant slump at the plate, I’m overweight and could afford to lose 20 pounds but have no will to excercise, Mom said she has a little crush on someone @ work (no big deal she says), I’ve never been kissed, I feel weird because my best friends in the world are all older than me, they’ll all be in HS while I’m @ NMS, I don’t know how to be open w/ Mom about most things (especially guys), she knows I like Troy and says he’s an awesome guy, but I know she doesn’t want anything to happen between us, and finally, I don’t know how I can tell Troy that I like him! See how hectic my life is!!!
Oh ya, and my grandparents are home. Grampa drives me fucking crazy! “Do you wanna use the machine” he asks every second. He’s on the God damn computer every minute he’s home. It’s like a 24 hour game of freecell.
Tomorrow I’m gonna see Troy, so I know I have to start hinting @ him a little I don’t think he’s ever had a GF. the only people who know I like him are Mom, Madie, Sam H., and maybe Karen H. W/e Madie thinks it’d be cute for me to be his first. LOL. I really do love him though. He’s so nice and wicked sweet. He has great eyes (shwing!) and would be the hottest if he lost a little weight. His personality makes up for everything though!
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At this point I think it’s fair to say Little Allison would definitely benefit from some counseling of her own. From the weight issues, to the oversharing of information from mother to daughter (and too little the other way around), to the incessant obsession with love for yet another innocent boy, I was asking for a heavy dose of talk therapy and prescription pills. My writing has been a blessing and a curse, though. Where other girls would simply act out on their 13-year-old impulses, I shied away and wrote it all down, taming my actual dealings in the real world by keeping the rest in my head and on the pages of my trusty journal.
Wooo-wee though! What a fucking laundry list of issues! Granted my complaints were not all that serious, but to feel such stress over things that didn’t really matter was clearly a problem. As you can tell, I was brought up in a home where worry, anxiety, and outright expression of all emotions was central, and this has caused just as many bumps in the road as an adult as it did back in the day. The good thing is you learn to deal once you’re on your own; the downside? Well, you only get to really deal when you can separate yourself completely from your previous environment. Things here have changed, and being on my own through most of college made an incredible difference, but almost a year out of school I’m still here, living in the home and sleeping in the room I wrote all these entries originally. It’s calmer now, and I am wiser. But once a headcase, always a headcase, I say; at least until you break free and commit your life to yoga and meditation. I’m getting there, it’s just a road you’ve got to keep pushing down.
Allison's Private Journal 