Allison Has a Sex Dream. October 29, ’02.

Dear Journal,

I usually don’t do this but I have to write about a dream I had.  K here goes.  Me + Craig are in Jane + Harry’s house (I think) and we’re just walking.  Then he touches my chin + kisses me very lightly.  Then he gives me a kiss on my cheek.  I don’t think we said anything.  I took his hand and we were walking around the house looking for a good place to make-out (shwing!).  We passed up a bunk bed, (maybe) a couch, and the closet in J+H’s old room.  Finally we got to this big bed.  I don’t think I was OK w/ that @ first, but I climbed up.  Craig couldn’t get up because it was too big+ I thought about lifting him up, but didn’t.  haha.  He was making me laugh by just lying on the ground pretending he was too tired or something.  The end was weird, but I woke up + questioned its reality.  It felt so real, I could feel everything even though it never really happened.  (the kiss felt so good!)  :’(

—–

Well, well, well, Little Allison.  Getting aggressive there hopping right up on that bed!  Woo-wee!!  Get it girl!  I don’t remember this dream, but I have a sneaking suspicion it ended in more physical contact but I was too embarrassed to even put it in words.

My eighth grade self seriously fascinates me.  I was definitely a raging ho stifled by a lifetime’s worth of moral chains.  Thank God for that, literally.  My family was never great at going to church regularly, especially after my children’s choir days ended, but my Catholic guilt held strong.  In fact, it’s still pretty intense.  I thought I might be destined for a smiting when I let my morals slip during college, and although I joked about it I thought seriously about becoming a born-again virgin; of course I hid that behind a “vow of celibacy” approach, which was sure to be wiped out the second I met a “dateable” guy.  Oh well.  I’ve learned to accept myself as a sexual being, and at this point I’ve learned to keep my hormones in check.  90% of the time.

When I was thirteen, sex was purely an idea.  I’d never kissed a boy, and all I knew of this part of me was how Joaquin Phoenix made my stomach drop and how I smiled uncontrollably in the presence of a cute guy.  I didn’t really want to get physical–maybe because of the Catholic guilt, maybe because I was just fucking petrified of something I didn’t know.  I was so uptight about my first kiss I didn’t even end up enjoying it.  It definitely was NOT like the kiss in this dream.  Thankfully those came later.  Anyways, I don’t know where else to go with this, so I’ll just end by saying I hope to God if Craig ever ends up reading this he doesn’t feel too awkward.  Imagine stumbling on a blog by some girl you went to middle school with and reading she had her first kind of hot dream about you??  It might be slightly flattering, but it’s DEFINITELY weird as fuck.  Sorry, dude.  Thanks for the milestone.

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